Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Breaking News: Your Kids' Names Suck. Developing....

This has been a prevailing thought of mine for a while now, and I'm positive I'm not alone here. I'm going to try to keep my composure & not go into some long-winded tirade talking about the outrageousness that has become new baby names in the past decade. One of the reasons that I will try not to is that I have many friends who have small children, and there may or may not be a few with names that are so ridiculous that I need not bother getting pissed about them.....their children's own fate has been sealed with their own outlandish name. But one needn't go any further than their hometown newspaper's weekly supplement showing new births for that given week in their City, and simply marvel at the idiacy that are newborn names. Go ahead, pick your favorites, they're all there....I'll spare the innocent and spare you mine.

Now I'm not a parent yet, so if you feel as if I'm speaking out of turn on this, I'm only looking out for the innocent youth, who may be left to a life of ridicule and shame for the well-intentioned, yet misguided decisions of new parents desperately trying to make their child unique and beautiful with an interesting, memorable name. What I'm saying to you is....please stop this bullshit. And let me tell you why: Keelin and Schuyler.

The drive to work on a cold Tuesday morning in January was really no different from any other. After dropping off the car for an oil change, we cruised north up 10th street in Lincoln on our way to downtown. I crept up on a Mid-2000 model Toyota Camry, seemingly uninteresting compared to any other car on the road around us. But a series of decals in the back window announced to the world (at least the Lincoln commuting world) that Keelin and Schuyler were Klub Kicks' Mini and Senior Stars, respectively. Well isn't that just the sweetest sticker of soccer mom shit, huh??? What, was Koolin not bubbly enough?? Why not Kuulin? Too Russian, maybe... I really tried to get a picture of this, but it was not to be whilst driving (You're welcome). But I was worked up enough about the subject that I feel compelled to post regardless. And I know that there are even more utterly ridiculous names that are floating around out there. You can argue that the name Schuyler isn't that bad. I understand this, however, it's definitely lumped in with the ongoing, endless trend of crazy suburban names that didn't even exist in an adult's vernacular until circa 1995.

I'm going to take a series of deep breaths now, and calmly urge you, as parents, future parents, grandparents, etc.... to please.....please do not do this to your children. I know they're beautiful, special, unique kids. I know this is a very subjective, highly sensitive topic for many, and I'm positive that I'm offending people who are my core, microscopic readership base. All I'm saying is...don't put your kids down in the count on strikes right out of the birthing room. There's still room in the classrooms & on the playground for a Zachary, or a Meghan. So please....before you whittle down your naming lists, please think of Keelin and Schuyler, won't you?

One last note: If you ever name a child after any character from the shows Dawson's Creek, Charmed, or from any show ever aired on The WB, it's automatic grounds for a terminated friendship. And, I will punch your new son Pacey in the face, personally. So, for those of you who were looking for a good excuse.....there you go.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

20 comments:

Fanofcujo said...

Well crap! There goes that idea. Can I use a name from the Simpsons or Family Guy?....How about South Park? ;)

Dixon said...

Those are FOX/Comedy Central shows, so you're golden.

Dirtbikes and Divas said...

while slamming her 4th mimosa of the morning at the Bistro saturday Cujo decided to name her "twins" kelly and donna... I think they were on 90210 so where does she fit in now....and now that I think about it... which twins do you think she was naming?????

Dixon said...

Judgements begin to cloud after Mimosa #3, typically. Again, I think you're mostly safe with 90210. Dawson's Creek truly ushered in the Golden Age of Shitty Names, in my opinion. Now, all other drama shows feed off of it.

Again, I'm trying to tread lightly here, as to not offend eisting parents and their children, potentially. It's a fine line, clearly. You two get free passes, of course, because of your loyal readership, as far as you know....

Mickey said...

What if you name your kid after an adult film star? Is that OK? Hope so because she's getting a little old to change it.

The spelling of names is what gets me. Inserting a Y in place of a vowel is simply not acceptable. It's Dillan, not Dyllan. Madison, not Madisyn.

I commend you Dixon, you are touching on something here that drives many of us crazy. However, I predict there will be some fallout from a few pissed off parents before this is all over. Personally, I look forward to it.

Anonymous said...

Funny, I was just ranting about this to someone the other day. If I hear about one more boy named Hunter, I'm going to lose it. I stand by my comment that I'll name my first son Art, just because it's an awesome old man name.

Bargie

Anonymous said...

Kind of like naming your kid... Colter.

Sincerely,
Little Artie Bargman
(aka Petersen)

Anonymous said...

Even though I'm a father of 2 "differently" named kids (Mykah (Micah) and Afton)I still agree completely with you fellas.

Bargie, Art may be the absolute and completely best name I've heard of for a while. The reasoning based on how it sounds for an old man is legendary.

On the flip side, the name Cody. My cousin's name is Cody, and as a younger rolly polly kid, that was perfect.

But now he's 6'4", 260lbs of solid muscle...Cody just doesn't fit anymore.

I'd like to throw my little rant onto names based from religion:
Joseph
Faith
Hope
Destiny
Serenity
Mary
David (yes, I know...)
and of course,
Jesus.

and I'll end with the names of 2 gals that I went to grad school with. A couple of the smartest young ladies I've ever met....ready for this:
Clover and Sunshine.

I shit you not...

El Dante....out.

Dixon said...

"Little Artie Bargman" makes me piddle.

Trevor said...

OK, bro, hope you aren't talking about your darling niece Ashleigh now are you?

Trevor

Michael said...

Although I mostly agree with you...I know what those parents were thinking after I showed up a my college dorm for the first time: I'm Mike (although I usually go by Michael as Mike is my slave name), there was a Mike in the rooms to left and right of me and roommates both named Mike directly across the hall. 5 Mikes in 4 rooms sucked ass! That is where I pretty much learned to ignore any time my name is yelled out. It is never me.
I was thinking of naming my son Dudas...it was the last name of a friend in Boston and just sounds cool. Plus you get the bonus of calling him The Dude.

Dirtbikes and Divas said...

ok, has anyone considered Art the Fart? Is this really a nice thing to do to a child? I'm just throwin that out there for consideration............

Jessica said...

What I can't stand is taking a classic name and convoluting the spelling so it's "different" (or is it just that the parents can't spell?) Case in point: Benjermin. No kidding. Saw it in print.

Michael said...

Benjermin - ha ha...not as bad as Anferny though.

Dixon said...

Michael, what about America (human)?

Still one of my favorite topics on your blog.

Michael said...

We all thought America (human) was a pretty crappy name when we first heard it. "Really? Really? America is what you came up with?" My brother wasn't included in the naming process though. Since then we get comments all the time from people when we are out and about with her about how much others like it. It has stopped being retarded to me finally and now is just her name.

supermom said...

well, glad mine are pretty normal. although, one does fall into the religious category. but, to my own defense, i never thought of it as a "religous" name until i thought about it for a while.

i completely understand what you are saying. some people come up with some strange names.

Anonymous said...

That's why I stick with names whose origin pertain to Wrigley Field, Cubs, etc. I only wish it could have been Addison Grace instead of Addison Michelle. Have to throw an aunt a bone I guess.

On another note, our next dog will most likely be named Jenkins (after Fergie of course, and NO not that Fergie).

Late,

Jared

Ryan P. said...

LMAO!!!

Pollock

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