This has been a prevailing thought of mine for a while now, and I'm positive I'm not alone here. I'm going to try to keep my composure & not go into some long-winded tirade talking about the outrageousness that has become new baby names in the past decade. One of the reasons that I will try not to is that I have many friends who have small children, and there may or may not be a few with names that are so ridiculous that I need not bother getting pissed about them.....their children's own fate has been sealed with their own outlandish name. But one needn't go any further than their hometown newspaper's weekly supplement showing new births for that given week in their City, and simply marvel at the idiacy that are newborn names. Go ahead, pick your favorites, they're all there....I'll spare the innocent and spare you mine.
Now I'm not a parent yet, so if you feel as if I'm speaking out of turn on this, I'm only looking out for the innocent youth, who may be left to a life of ridicule and shame for the well-intentioned, yet misguided decisions of new parents desperately trying to make their child unique and beautiful with an interesting, memorable name. What I'm saying to you is....please stop this bullshit. And let me tell you why: Keelin and Schuyler.
The drive to work on a cold Tuesday morning in January was really no different from any other. After dropping off the car for an oil change, we cruised north up 10th street in Lincoln on our way to downtown. I crept up on a Mid-2000 model Toyota Camry, seemingly uninteresting compared to any other car on the road around us. But a series of decals in the back window announced to the world (at least the Lincoln commuting world) that Keelin and Schuyler were Klub Kicks' Mini and Senior Stars, respectively. Well isn't that just the sweetest sticker of soccer mom shit, huh??? What, was Koolin not bubbly enough?? Why not Kuulin? Too Russian, maybe... I really tried to get a picture of this, but it was not to be whilst driving (You're welcome). But I was worked up enough about the subject that I feel compelled to post regardless. And I know that there are even more utterly ridiculous names that are floating around out there. You can argue that the name Schuyler isn't that bad. I understand this, however, it's definitely lumped in with the ongoing, endless trend of crazy suburban names that didn't even exist in an adult's vernacular until circa 1995.
I'm going to take a series of deep breaths now, and calmly urge you, as parents, future parents, grandparents, etc.... to please.....please do not do this to your children. I know they're beautiful, special, unique kids. I know this is a very subjective, highly sensitive topic for many, and I'm positive that I'm offending people who are my core, microscopic readership base. All I'm saying is...don't put your kids down in the count on strikes right out of the birthing room. There's still room in the classrooms & on the playground for a Zachary, or a Meghan. So please....before you whittle down your naming lists, please think of Keelin and Schuyler, won't you?
One last note: If you ever name a child after any character from the shows Dawson's Creek, Charmed, or from any show ever aired on The WB, it's automatic grounds for a terminated friendship. And, I will punch your new son Pacey in the face, personally. So, for those of you who were looking for a good excuse.....there you go.
Oh, and Happy New Year!